‘Women practice courage every day. It takes courage to pop to the shop to buy a pint of milk’
How many times have I heard myself saying this over the years in talks, workshops & on panels in defence of my Phd research?
The courage of woman. That women ARE courage. The very manifestation of courage.
Everyday women choose courage. Walking to the shop is an act of courage. Walking as a woman is an act of courage. Being a woman is courage walking. Having an opinion on being a woman is courageous. Speaking out about being a woman is courageous. Being a women is courage.
It has long been my proposition, that despite the majority of psychological research to date being situated in organisational ‘leadership’ tropes or in military settings, the most significant story about courage is that of womens courage.
Before I go any further for those looking to criticise at the earliest opportunity. I am a single parent who has set up a business on her own. I have no business partners, angel investors, advisory boards or sponsors. Certainly no Phd funding. I do voluntary work with GM4Women2028 and am self funding.
My voluntary work & Phd both have had to be temporarily paused as I have had to rebuild my business due to having being capsized by the COVID pandemic.
Self-funding has in part contributed to the decision to pause it, a decision itself which took courage & I suspect it will take courage to pick it back up too. Pausing it doesn’t stop me thinking about it constantly or having an opinion on it.
I believed the significance of my courage research would only really be understood once I had completed it. This week, I hope perhaps, this may no longer be the case. A psychological understanding of courage in women can surely only add weight to the arguments, statistics, policies, systems, judicial decisions & changes we need to see for women in all aspects of life.
It should not take courage to walk home, to get a pint of milk, to go to school. But it does. Only women seem to understand that, so deeply ingrained in our society are the risks and fears we face, so conditioned are we to live with them, that not even all women are aware of the extent of it even, because quite frankly it is too much to bear & too terrifying to compute.
Many don’t even know how courageous they are, what they are living with & dealing with. This cleverly denies women full access to one of their greatest powers & resources, their capacity to not only be courageous, but to practice it & choose it.
And yes, I actually think the more minoritized you are, by whatever combination of socially constructed identities that world has decided to judge you upon and limited your world as a result of, the more courage you need & therefore the more you have. The greater risks & fears you face.
Courage requires risk, fear, uncertainty and a threat to the self. The threat to the self might be a physical one, or a threat to one’s sense of self in dealing with the impact of an outcome one has knowingly faced. It’s being aware of the potential to face pain, discomfort, trauma even, in pursuit of an outcome. Fighting the enemy, whistleblowing, buying a pint of milk, walking home.
From as far back as Aristotle it has been assumed that fear has to be present as the only emotion. An area I intend to explore in far greater detail in my own research when the opportunity presents itself as I think there is a massive amount of learning & insight to be gained here from the study of courage from a feminist perspective. Which one for the academics reading this is a whole world of pain I am working through in a rather lonely vacuum it seems at times.
Our courage as women very often we don’t identify in ourselves, but we see it in others. When we recognise it, it is usually pro socially motivated and when we chose it, it is most often in pursuit of goals or objectives that are particular to our factors we face because we are a woman. Ie. shit men don’t have to deal with. Are oblivious too, cruise through life unaffected by.
I see every single day in exhausting, inspiring, moving and heart breaking conversations with women the weight of facing fears, risks, judgements & uncertainties that women are weighing up & making decisions about every single day. Things that men will simply never experience.
It isn’t just the mental load we carry brought about by unequal labour, pay, opportunity, bias, discrimination – it’s the psychological scars, it’s the trauma & it’s the fear that walks with us every day.
It’s why I struggle and get so angry about much of leadership courage on hears about, that situates women in the workplace like all that ‘personal life stuff’ gets left behind when they enter in to a boardroom as the only black women in a room full of men.
You can’t look at women in the workplace (don’t get me started on lean in) such as Brene Browns incredible work on courage which has changed so many lives & narrative (I adore her work so I am practicing academic critique here) without looking at it from a feminist perspective and seeing some gaps. Because to understand women in the workplace, to invite ‘authenticity’ in to the workplace means understanding the whole woman.
Women are abused in the home. They are abused at work. Violence against women is violence against the women you work with. It isn’t other women, it’s all women. It is the CEO in your company, it is the Client you are pitching to, the women in the next meeting you have today.
The lived experience of women affects the way we show up, the way we understand whats possible for us to expect from the world, from men, from society.
Of course there is work to do for women. But it is mostly healing to unlearn all the shit they have learned to expect & tolerate from the world. It is about connecting with the self belief & self worth from a world that’s gradually eroded all the spark, fire & freedom they were born with.
They don’t need fixing or to speak up more. They need to be listened to. They need men to make space, to invite them in to conversations, to ask questions, to value their contributions to go out of their way to make them feel safe.
If you want to use psychological safety to transform the culture in your organisation to be more inclusive start there.
It’s time men chose to step in to the courage arena as Brene Brown calls it. To learn how to change, to put themselves at risk of feeling the pain & shame of admitting where they have gone wrong in pursuit of a noble goal - to acknowledge the experience, trauma & fears women face.
To end violence against women and girls. To choose courage. To try to match up to the courage that women have had no choice but to practice since time began.
Courage can be taught, it can be learned and it can be practiced. I’ve not finished my Phd but I know from my Be Braver programme that’s the case as I see women connecting with theirs day in day out and directing it towards the things they care passionately about changing.
If you don’t care passionately, if you aren’t motivated & full of drive & determination to create change it won’t happen. So start there. If you aren’t, ask why not. What are you scared of, what risks do you perceive in changing your behaviour & what do you need to unlearn?
Do men need programmes designed to equip them with the knowledge, insight & behaviour change to support women, to make space for us to feel safe to speak, to stand, to walk? Do they too need a safe space to figure out what they are going to do to create change?
We need social courage now. From men. Collectively and individually.
Women need space to heal & unlearn, they need spaces protecting & investing in. It is why we need spaces for women only.
We need courageous conversations between women & men. We need courageous decision making.
We need a society where is doesn’t take courage to buy a pint of milk where is doesn’t take courage to say women need safe spaces. We need a society where women can use our infinite bank of courage to expend on saving the future, designing solution to improve the planet & the environment & create a thriving society where everyone feels safe & heard.