The release of the letter from Sarah Everards mother and the details emerging from this weeks sentencing has stopped us all in our tracks. Again. These musings of mine always emerge after I’ve spent an evening alone with my thoughts trying to find anything meaningful in the horrors circling in my mind.
We have had the Sabina Nessa murder and 77 femicides since, 106 or in the last year. Since 2009 at least 15 have been serving police offers research has suggested. Who do you trust as a woman? Your friends & family? Is that it?
The agonising pain and terrifying fear Sarah suffered is every woman and every parents worst nightmare. We have all had that heart sinking frozen feeling of fear as women at some point that your life is at risk. It might have been fleeting, or it might have manifest to something far more traumatic, but we’ve all had those moments where you feel powerless, scared and in danger.
As a mothers, Sarah’s Everards’ and countless others, suffer not only the unimaginable pain of losing their daughter in such brutal and horrific circumstances but they adds to it the visceral terrifying understanding of what the fear of male violence is like as a woman.
I keep thinking about the courage it takes to live in our society as a woman. To go about your life as if these threats and fears don’t exist. When we know they do. It is the backdrop to the life we live.
Where there are real risks involved in trusting men. When you get in cab, meet on a first date, start a new relationship, or are told you are under arrest.
I’ve not done much online dating myself, I did have one semi successful go at it. The first time he came to my house, I asked to take a photo of his driving licence. He thought it was offensive but obliged. I was surprised at myself for saying it. More shocked by the lack of trust I clearly had.
I often talk in the context of my courage research about the fact that courage and bravery are mostly researched and understood in relation to men, military & organisational courage. That there is a big gap in the research when it comes to understanding the courage & bravery in women.
If the courageous veterans out in the field are applauded for showing courage and bravery, what does that tell us about the women of the world?
In reality, when we look at courage, as a decision, an action in the face of risks, fear and uncertainty and a threat to the self - there is nothing more courageous than the life of a woman.
Speaking in organisations about courage I explore how our minds are wired to attend to, often disproportionately, risks and threats. For survival. Brains that evolved to attend product or forecast that threat of an approaching lion rustling in the bushes. To protect ourselves. To keep us safe.
Nowadays the evolutionary software of the brain is operating in a world much more conceptual. For many of us. In the context of our careers, and businesses this can diminish the opportunities and growth potential we see so isn’t always a good thing. The threats we percieve to the self are more to do with the fears of shame, judgement, failure, embarrassment, loss etc How we respond to change and uncertainty.
We all do of course need courage to face change and uncertainty, but the risks and fears we face individually are often more psychological than physical.
Only for women, that isn’t the case is it really? Mostly one would hope we are safe in the work environment, but you can’t bank on it. Discrimination, harassment, sexual abuse are all rife there.
Commuting to & from work - I’ve been groped on the tube, followed home, been in cabs with the doors locked and somethings not felt right.
Going out for a run at night. Well we just don’t do that do we. I could go on. But we all know far too well you can simply nip out to the shop for a pint of milk and you might not make it home.
Courage is the sweet spot between cowardice and recklessness. It can be practiced and we can learn to be more courageous.
The experiences we have in life can reduce our motivation, ambition or drive to be courageous . We want to avoid the chance of the painful, embarrassing, hurtful, shame inducing lessons we have witnessed. We accumulate a bank of evidence in our subconscious minds from experience and observation that means we often see lions when there is really only a kitten. We attend to what we might loose not what we might gain.
When I work in organisations, with teams, leaders - this is a really useful insight and can make significant shifts in decision making, relationships to risk and the choices that can be made strategically or personally to create growth and opportunity. But this is organisational courage. Or moral courage perhaps.
Yet male violence is a lion. It’s not a kitten. There actually are the equivalent of lions rustling the the bushes, in parks, at the playground gates, on street corners, pulling up in a car and telling you lies.
I have no immediate answers. What I do know though is this. Whether we call it feminist courage, radical courage, womens courage - there is a form of courage that is the reserve of women on the basis of their sex.
Women ARE courage. Every day going about your daily business is an act of courage. That you should stand tall in your courage and feel proud of yourself, wherever you find yourself right now, now for surviving in a society that doesn’t make it safe to be a woman.
That there are risks and fears are out there, that we are all frightened by, but that nothing is different today than it was yesterday. That those risks must not diminish you. That you are a women of courage, you do continue to make smart decisions. Ones that you shouldn’t have to make to keep yourself safe every day.
We all feel deeply affected by the reports flooding the news at the moment. We all feel conflicted and hate the fact that we also know this is just one story. When things are brought to your awareness you start to notice them more. You will start to realise the number of situations that feel a bit off, or pause to think whether you really need to go somewhere, that way, at that time. Maybe those who are less cognisant of the pandemic of male violence will feel more unsettled than others who work tirelessly to change this day in day out.
I don’t urge you to be cowardly, to stay in doors and stop your life, I don’t urge you to be wreckless and ignore your safety because the threats are real. I urge you to remember that everything is the same today as it was yesterday, not to feel more alarmed or more scared and to remember that you are courageous. You are a woman of courage who makes smart decisions in an uncertain world which does present threats and risks to you.
I hate the fact I can’t go out for a walk in the dark, I love the night. More than the day. Being able to sit in a park and look at the moon reflecting off the water. Maybe one day I’ll find a man I can trust and feel safe doing it.
This is the reality of life as a woman. It isn’t right, men need to sort it. Stop objectifying women, attend to what your sons are watching (I say this as a mother of a son), look at how they are treating and talking about women and girls. Stop killing women.