What stops us saying no to alcohol?
What tells us that saying yes is a better choice?
For some, religious beliefs mean it isn’t even a question - which tells us everything we need to know about which is the greater power.
For others you will be at the mercy of your culture, upbringing, peer groups which have informed your personal beliefs. The expectation TO drinks means it’s very much about about deciding not to do so.
Maybe you don’t want to say no because it’s fun. How you relax, let loose. Unwind.
What party’s are all about – the fun side of you. Saying no would be opting out of being fun. No is dull and boring, safe, predictable. That’s certainly where I was at.
The predictability and certainty of not drinking is curious when you think about it. The fact we remain in control and would choose to opt out of that.
One thing we know from human psychology about the condition of living is how we crave certainty. Want to avoid uncertainty and change. Like things to be in our control. Things that we often can’t control.
Yet drinking creates the opposite of that, and we seemingly we often chose it for that reason.
Some of us of course have a moderate, healthy, functional relationship with alcohol. Can take a glass or two and that be that. Maybe more, but the impacts on life are nominal and it isn’t causing any issues.
Many of us not so.
There are those who are living the shame, regret and anxiety that a dysfunctional relationship with it brings and wish there were an easy solution to the problem. Some of us don’t want to think about it, get defensive or couldn’t give a toss. We worry more about what we lose of our identity in saying no.
The discomfort that sitting sober in social situations bring.
It isn’t moralistic to choose to abstain from alcohol. Any more than it is to choose to drink it. What both have in common is that they are a decision. One that you chose. You have control over and you are accountable for.
My own experience has taught me that stopping drinking alcohol was less about the fear of not belonging to a social scene where drinking was prevalent. I can still confidently chose to be in those spaces if I wished to do so. It was about masking the uncomfortable emotions, certain situations create for me, which alcohol enabled me to avoid.
Lack of self belief, overwhelm, boredom, frustration, resentment. The environments and situations I was forcing myself in, were often uncomfortable, because they weren’t the right ones for me. Alcohol made them tolerable, but was also what was putting me in them in the first place.
I am not a getting sober expert. Nor of the opinion everyone should be sober, or that I know what is better for you than you do for yourself.
But, it is undeniable that for me, practicing a Be Braver mindset is what made the decision, and continued choice to not drink one I find strength, pride and satisfaction in. I don’t experience any sense of loss.
I’d be lying if I didn’t say Christmas was a challenge. Social pressure intensified and people feel compelled to have you defend your decisions. “You aren’t an alcoholic. Are you? Just have a drink, stop being so boring and worthy”
I have reflected on the surprising number of women in the Be Braver Collective who have chosen to stop drinking as a result of doing the programme. Or changed their relationship with alcohol recognising it doesn’t serve them and they want to have the power over it, not it them. Or the pockets of those it lines.
The tools practicing a Be Braver mindset gives you brings with it the strength and power to define what matters to you. Naming who you want to become. Having the utmost belief in the value of your own decisions. The self-belief in your own autonomy to create the life you want to live and the resilience to see yourself through adversity and struggles that present themselves along the way.
All courageous and brave decisions have moments that will test you. Repeatedly in some cases. These are the moments where you grow stronger not weaker. Where you courage strengthens, your mind muscles tone and you roar with pride in yourself.
I never set out to stop drinking forever. I’m 2 years in. I don’t honestly know if I will ever drink again or not. I don’t worry about it. I know that today it isn’t the right decision for me and so I choose not to.
create connection
In spirit of the Be Braver mindset which is also about creating connection to the spaces, places and people that make a difference to your life journey - thanks to Karl Considine, Janey Lee Grace , Suzy Walker , Adam Smith for inspiring me to write about it.