Knowing, Not Growing Confidence

knowing, not growing, Confidence

Do You Lack Confidence? Or Are You Just Bored?

Sounds counterintuitive? Really? This yacky feeling I’m carrying in to work, meetings and situations is because I’m bored? Not that I lack confidence? Sounds very unlikely?

Yet the amount of times we see the journey in Be Braver, especially from women particularly, experiencing what they think is lack of confidence (because society loves making women question their confidence) when in reality, it can sometimes be boredom, frustration, resentment. At having outgrown a role or position.

 Susan David does brilliant work in the space of naming our emotions accurately.  Which is why we send time exploring in the Be Braver methodology. What we tell ourselves, or what we think we are experiencing, shapes and informs what opportunities and potential we create.

We talked recently about naming the gremlins to tame them. Its really important to ensure you accurately recognise and name them.

We think we understand confidence. Think it’s a feeling, or a trait some people have and others don’t have.

But its can also be true that those telling themselves they lack it are far more competent than they recognise, underestimate their abilities and overestimate others

 Before you keep limiting your potential telling yourself you lack confidence ask yourself, do I have the competence and the skills to do what is in front of me?

Ask Yourself

•  Is what is in front of you, is the right role, opportunity or challenge. For who you are today?

• Is it the circumstance or the situation that is lacking or limiting? The culture? The project.

• If you say it isn’t you, what is it?

• Are you leaping to assume that which is lacking or limiting is internal, when in actual fact its located externally?

The Be Braver program includes an entire module on knowing confidence. And we specifically don’t assume you need to build or grow it. Because often, you first need to understand it.

Is your mindset limiting? Or closer to a Be Braver one?

Take 5 minutes for YOU by answering the quick-fire questions on our Be Braver Index

The Gremlins in the Room: Naming and Taming Our Hidden Fears and Biases

TAMING PESKY GREMLINS

We've all heard the phrase "the elephant in the room" - that awkward or uncomfortable topic that everyone knows is there but nobody wants to talk about.

It is present in the meeting. No-one has the courage to call it out. Everyone pretends it isn’t there.

But what about the "gremlins in the room"? Those hidden fears, biases, and assumptions that we all carry with us, often without even realising it. Walking in and out of rooms, sitting on our shoulders and following us everywhere. 

When we enter a room, we bring our own unique set of experiences, beliefs, and biases with us. These gremlins can be triggered by certain people, situations, or even just the general atmosphere of the room. They can manifest in subtle ways, such as a fleeting thought or feeling, or they can take over our entire mindset, influencing the way we interact with others and view the world around us.

Some common gremlins that many people bring into a room include fear of judgment fear of failure, social anxiety, lack of self-belief, perfectionism.

Over-estimating other people’s competence and aptitude because of grand performative gestures of authority. 

RECOGNISING YOUR GREMLINS

These gremlins can affect our behaviour in any number of ways, such as causing us to hold back in conversations or take an overly defensive stance in response to to feedback. Procrastination, apathy, frustration.

The problem with gremlins is that they often go unacknowledged, which can make them even more insidious. We can also make the mistake of thinking we are the only one in the room that brought one (or several) in.

 When we're not aware of our own biases and fears, they can control us without us even realizing it. They can cause us to miss out on opportunities, damage our relationships with others, and even hold us back from the future we deserve and want to create. The outcomes we want to accomplish.

So, what can we do about these gremlins in the room?

The first step is to acknowledge that they exist. We need to be willing to take a hard look at our own biases and fears, and recognize how they might be influencing our behaviour. This requires a degree of self-awareness and vulnerability, but it's an essential step in overcoming the gremlins that hold us back.

NAMING THE LITTLE CRETINS 

I suggest to Clients to think of them as frenemies. Acting with good intent to keep you safe from harm.

Not quite up to speed with the current level of wisdom, experience, strength, competence, and ability you now have. To handle the challenging situations they want to protect you from.

They often work on outdated information and data. From days now long gone in your distant past.

Another important step is to create a safe and supportive environment for discussion with these gremlins. We need to be able to have open and honest conversations about our fears and biases without fear of judgment or reprisal.

This can involve seeking out a trusted friend, mentor, or coach who can provide us with feedback and guidance.  Creating the conditions for psychological safety to feel safe to explore.

 Finally, we need to be willing to take action to address our gremlins. This might involve seeking out new experiences that challenge our biases and fears, or actively working to overcome our lack self belief or fear of failure. It's only through taking action that we can begin to change our behavior and overcome the gremlins that hold us back. 

Take Aways:

·      Everyone carries Gremlins in the room.

·      The ones that are untamed. Unseen. They do the greatest damage.

·      Your gremlin can be tamed – it is acting up as it is wanting to keep you safe.

·      Find a safe space to get know your gremlin(s).

·      Be curious to understand what is triggering them.

·      Be prepared to listen. Then to act.

·      Once you have named and tamed yours, think of others. Remember next time you are in a space – other people’s may still be running riot.

While the elephant in the room may be the most obvious problem, it's important to recognise that there are often gremlins lurking beneath the surface. Some of which you can fix. Alone..

 These hidden fears and biases can have a powerful impact on our behaviour and mindset, and it's essential that we acknowledge them if we want to overcome them.

 By creating a safe and supportive environment for discussion, building our self-awareness, and taking action to address our gremlins, we can free ourselves from the constraints that hold us back. Live fully. Lead courageously.

Suggestions For Further Reading:

Ali, H (2021) Her Allies, Neem Tree Press

Grant, A. M. (2017). Originals: How non-conformists move the world. Viking.

Goleman, D. (2013). Focus: The hidden driver of excellence. Bloomsbury Publishing.

Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking, fast and slow. Macmillan.

Kahenman, D; Sibony, O; Sunstein, C.R. Noise. Wililams Collins.

Peters, S (2012) The Chimp Paradox. Random House.

Seighart, M.A (2021). The Authority Gap. Random House. 

How Can I Be Braver?

How Do You Become Braver?

You’ve been brave before. You know you can Be Braver again. 

But you are stuck.

Procrastinating. Avoiding the questions that hold the answers you need.

You don’t want to feel uncomfortable. Go through the messy bit to get to the good bit. 

Feel alone. A bit embarrassed or ashamed perhaps that you think or feel like this. Haven’t wanted to share it.

So you keep your head down. Hope someone or something comes along out there and it all sorts itself out. Wait for the universe to present a solution or hope for circumstances to change.

Well we all know there are no heroes in most of our lives. That if you want to stand a chance of meeting one you are going to have to #beyourownhero.

Which also means as you get to design your own costume which can be a lot of fun.

Most of the things we want to make happen in life do so because of a decision or a choice that we made. Not someone else.

Our circumstances might not have been our own design. But where we go next very much is.

You have never been stronger than where you are today. You might not feel it. But it is true.

Today you have the most amount of knowledge, experience and wisdom to draw upon than you have had at any other point in your life. You are in the best position you have ever been.

Your struggles are your strengths.

Today is the best day to Be Braver.

You need to do 4 things to Be Braver.

Be Clear.

Be Confident.

Be Connected.

Be Courageous.

Have all 4 of these attended to, connecting and working together - and you will have everything you need to create change, live fear-lessly and lead courageously.

In a way that feels purposeful, meaningful and motivating.

Learning to Be Braver is a pathway to learning to live fear-lessly and lead courageously.

Be Clear. Find Clarity. 

Identify and understand your values and vision. Essential for moving forward authentically. The lenses to make sense of difficult moral and ethical decisions. The motivators for creating change.

Be Confident. Know Confidence

Examining your own experiences and competences to build confidence, and to keep building on it. Be able to appropriately appraise your abilities, limitations and strengths. Separate out your beliefs about your competencies and skills from the reality.

Be Connected. Create Connection.

Understand how you connect to and read the environment around you. With your emotions, with others, with networks and communities. There is an abundance of resources and information to strengthen your confidence and sharpen your clarity. Question what you see and where you are.

Be Courageous. Choose Courage.

Understand your relationship with risk. Personally and professionally. Know what your version of resilience looks like in the face of adversity and failure. Be ready to take values-aligned action. Fear-lessly. To know when it is right to choose courage. So that when called upon. You will be able to. Over and over again. With less fear.

Choosing to Be Braver doesn’t guarantee success any more than avoiding it guarantees doom and gloom. But your chances are undoubtably far greater - courage always rewards in unexpected ways.

It does guarantee that you will be stronger, more courageous, authentic for it. You will be who you are becoming. That you will have pride in your actions and decisions.

That you don’t regret the things you didn’t do, but are proud of things you did.

So as you think about who you want to be. Who you are becoming. Are maybe frustrated because you feel stuck, think you are your own worst enemy.

Remember. You have been brave before, you can be braver again. That in becoming the person you want to be, the only hero you will ever need is the one that you will be.

The Risk Of Choosing To Not Be Braver

Be Curious. To Be Braver.

Be Curious. To Be Braver.

As this Meta-analysis suggests programmes, like the Be Braver Practitioner programme that seek to raise curiosity can have the effect of increases in #creativity, #innovation, life satisfaction, life meaning, #performance and job satisfaction.

In Be Braver - we start with curiosity to explore how we gain the #clarity pertaining to our role, vision, values and ambitions so we can apply this to both personal and professional contexts.

Driven by this unique blueprint, we seek to critically appraise what this shows us in respect to our confidence as a leader, our skills, competences and beliefs about the self and others.

Creating #connection comes from a place of curiosity about the world, environments and emotional connections with have to the abundance of resources and relationships available to us.

To build on our vision, to support making values aligned decisions. To grow confidence.

Clarity, confidence, and connection fuel our commitment in the moments where we need to choose courage - it is our curiosity to see what we find on the others side of our courageous values- aligned decisions that can make all the difference as to whether we listen to the risks of avoiding or the risks of taking action.

Stay curious.

Ask yourself the difficult questions.

Choose courage.

Be Braver.

If you really want to ask your self the questions that can make the biggest difference - try our Be Brave questionnaire

https://link.springer.com/content/pdf/10.1007/s12144-022-03107-w.pdf